“One who never asks either knows everything or nothing.” – Malcolm Forbes
I hear people say that the person they’re with changed. When in reality, the truth is finally hitting them in the face. Some marriages fail because of issues that were existing for months or years, but they were never noticed or simply overlooked. I believe that we have to learn to ask questions because we can’t just assume things about people. Of course, some people lie, but you can’t say “I never knew this about him/her” if you never asked.
This blog only has 40 questions to ask, but I think these can strengthen your relationship or cause you to RUN RUN RUN depending on the answers you receive. So use discernment, pray, seek godly advice, and ask these questions at the minimum!
1. Are you a Christian?
No I don’t mean do you go to church sometimes. I mean are you following and obeying Jesus? Ask them about their faith!! Do they have a walk with God that isn’t shallow or is it surface level?
2. Where do you go to church?
I say this because I will surely research their church! Some churches are simply social clubs (sorry, but not sorry). You need to know if they preach and teach truth. You need to be sure that he/she isn’t listening to leaders with no conviction or compassion. Usually, ladies follow their husband to his church. Ladies, you don’t want to be stuck in some lukewarm church because your man is handsome. Brothers, you can’t expect her to adjust to your church when she’s been taught for years that church attendance makes her a Christian.
3. What are you involved in at your church?
If sitting in church makes you a Christian, sitting in a garage makes me a car. I know that “works” doesn’t save anyone, but you can’t be a Christian and God isn’t tugging at your heart to serve in the body of Christ. If they’re lazy with God, all the romance in the world couldn’t make up for it.
4. What have you been studying in your Bible lately?
Maybe they’re not as structured as some or they aren’t called to preach, but that’s no excuse to not be in their bible. If the only time they’re in their bible is at church or when someone posts a bible verse in their Instagram caption, that’s completely unacceptable.
5. How do you do your devotions?
Some people are early birds and some are night owls, but we all have to do our part. If someone prioritizes God in their lives, you can rest assured they try to keep everything else centered around Him. People who only talk to God 8 seconds before snoring at night show that their priorities are out of order and you’ll easily become an idol in their life.
6. How often do you fast?
Fasting does not make you a Christian, but every Christian should fast. It helps us put our flesh under subjection. Are they willing to give up food and worldly entertainment every once in awhile to get closer to God? Be willing to unplug from this world to plug into God.
7. Can I meet your family/friends?
If you’re hidden from their family, they are probably not serious yet. I mean, yes, some people have crazy family members, but if they want to be with you they won’t make you a secret. If their friends don’t know you exist, they’re probably hiding others as well.
8. Do you plan on having kids?
I know of many people who want to have 7 kids and the next person doesn’t want any. Instead of trying to change them or manipulate them into wanting what you desire, find someone who has the same desire.
9. Are you attracted to the same/your gender?
Many people seek relationships with the opposite sex because they know that’s what people expect, but you shouldn’t be their coverup to their sin. They have to work on that while seeking God instead of using you as their out. I’ve seen marriages fail and then one person is randomly gay. I’m not judging them, but maybe it failed because their heart was never actually there.
10. Are you single?
You have to ask this nowadays!! Don’t just assume they’re single because they’re texting or calling you. Be sure they’re unattached before wasting your time.
11. Is there anyone out there trying to get you back?
You don’t want unnecessary drama or people slandering your name when in reality, you didn’t even know that person existed. If they’re giving that person hope instead of ending it officially, they probably haven’t moved on.
12. Do you have someone you’re not over yet?
You should never fight for their attention. You can fight for who you want, but you can’t fight over them. If they haven’t moved on, don’t wait on them to juggle their options. They can come to you when they’re over them.
13. What attracted you to me?
You need to know if it was only because of your looks. Did he like your character or just your curves? Did she like your personality and passion or just your money? See if they are driven by carnal things.
14. What books are you reading?
This is only my opinion, but all wise people are readers. If they aren’t feeding their minds, they can only grow so much.
15. Does your spiritual walk with God match your social media/personal life?
I don’t care if you can preach until the altars are filled, if you leave the church and start partying, cursing and living worldly. Your walk with God is about more than what happens inside of church.
16. Are you in school?
Are they pursuing any degrees or entrepreneurial adventures? If they aren’t in school, they need a valid reason. A trade isn’t a bad idea either, but to neglect all forms of education may not be a good sign.
17. Where do you work?
Love alone won’t pay bills. Are they working or do they quit every 60 days when someone upsets them? If they won’t work, providing for a family will be nearly impossible.
18. How is your credit?
Everyone doesn’t know their credit score, but it would be awful to want to move into a nice home and you’re rejected because their credit score is 100. Their credit can haunt you, so be sure they’re financially responsible.
19. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
If they don’t have a vision for themselves, that means they’re content where they are. I once heard a quote that said “if you’re not growing, then you are dying”. I agree because we all have to be consistently going forward in some way or we will eventually lose our way.
20. Were you physically or verbally abused at home?
People can easily get triggered by issues they have experienced growing up. How would you know that a certain word or a certain way you touch their shoulder doesn’t remind them of what happened when they were 11? You have to be aware of what’s broken so you can pray with them for their healing.
21. Were you bullied or picked on in school?
I’ve met many people who were bullied and I think many of them have battled with insecurities because of it. They tend to have one of two mentalities: I’m always a victim or this will never happen again and they become aggressive towards others. You don’t want to deal with someone who you can’t love properly due to their past issues.
22. Were you a bully to others?
I’m not sure on everything, but I am sure on some things. Cycles do repeat! If they didn’t see an issue with verbally abusing and cursing at others, they won’t see an issue doing it to you. If they were perfectly fine with beating up others, you might be the next victim when they’re upset.
23. Do you have issues with depression?
I think many struggle with this and aren’t even aware. So don’t be surprised if they say no. However, you need to know this so you can encourage them not just spiritually, but emotionally and mentally.
24. What have you done to fix the insecurities in your life?
If they aren’t working on themselves, they’ll project those insecurities onto you. You can’t change their past and all you can do is help their future. If they won’t resolve those issues, then your relationship will constantly feel like a burden.
25. What are some bad habits you have that you have been working on?
We all have bad habits. If you think they’re perfect, or yourself for that matter, you’re being delusional. Someone aiming to better themselves is someone you should want to grow with.
26. Do you believe in healthy eating?
You may see a beach body and six pack now, but that’ll quickly turn into a beer belly if they can’t even spell salad.
27. How much debt do you have?
When you get married, their debt is now your debt. So please don’t think you can ignore poor spending habits. God wants us to steward the money that we have properly.
28. Who are you accountable to?
If they aren’t surrounded by godly people, they’ll easily fall into temptation. Not only that, but they may not have anyone to correct them when they do sin. Accountability pushes us to grow.
29. What type of music do you listen to?
I’m not going to tell you that you should only listen to “Christian music”, but I will say music has an impact on the way we think and live. If they listen to a lot of music about sex, you can tell they’ll want to have sex with you prior to marriage because their minds are constantly thinking about it.
30. Do you watch pornography?
You would think you wouldn’t have to ask this because they are Christian, but many believers struggle with this. Porn rewires our brain and how we view people and sex. If they are driven by lust, they’ll either lead you into temptation or continuously have perverse thoughts. Sex should be seen as a gift in marriage, not something you simply do for your pleasure or boredom.
31. Have you ever been arrested?
God can change anyone, but that doesn’t mean you should be ignorant of a past that may alarm you.
32. Do you believe the Bible is the infallible word of God?
Many people in church don’t believe in the entire Bible. They believe in Psalms and Romans 10:9 alone. How do I know? Because that’s all they can semi-quote or talk about when you mention Jesus.
33. Do you believe Hell is real?
Some people believe Hell only has one person there- the devil. Apparently, there is a new requirement for Heaven – dying. They think everyone is in Heaven, but the Bible says otherwise and God expects us to follow His Word.
34. Who’s your favorite preacher?
I can tell a lot about a person who claims to love God by their favorite speakers. I’ve heard some amazing public speakers that people call “preachers”. If their favorite preacher doesn’t talk about holiness, sin, Hell, repentance or the baptism of the spirit and water….. You see where I’m going with this.
35. What is your calling?
Everyone doesn’t know this and that is okay. But if they aren’t seeking God to find out, then they are being complacent or lukewarm. We all have a purpose and we have to find that out.
36. How often do you put money into your savings?
They may take you on the best dates ever, but are they saving up for school, a home or simply for emergencies? The fast life will catch up to you.
37. Why did your last relationship fail?
It may not have been their fault or it may have been and they may still blame the other party. However, you’ll know what to not repeat or you’ll know if they have a history of cheating/being cheated on, lying/being lied to, etc.
38. If you were sexually active in the past, would you get tested prior to marriage?
Let’s just be real with ourselves here, UNMARRIED PEOPLE ARE HAVING SEX, EVEN AT CHURCH! It’s not right, but you can’t play ignorant that sin exists. You need to protect yourself. I know someone who was with a HIV positive person and the person wasn’t upfront about it. Find out!
39. Do you have people in your life that did you wrong, but you didn’t forgive yet?
A bitter person cannot love properly. Period.
40. If we don’t have sex, will that cause you to lose interest?
I know this happens in many relationships. Some people say they’re fine not having sex, but a year will go by and now they’re hoping you changed your mind. You need to make your boundaries known early.
I believe there are tons of other questions we can ask, but I also wanted to be mindful that some things are inappropriate depending on the crowd. Youth read these blogs and I don’t think they need to be asking questions that couples in their twenties and beyond should be asking. However, I believe the majority of these help you learn more about someone and prepare you to make a more knowledgeable decision when choosing a partner.
If you know of any other questions to ask, comment below. If you’ve ever been in a relationship with someone and wish you knew something earlier on, comment what it is below so others can learn from you.
“The simple believes everything, but the prudent gives thought to his steps.” (Proverbs 14:15 ESV)
“A prudent person foresees danger and takes precautions. The simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences.” (Proverbs 27:12 NLT)
Grace and peace,