Some things in life are inevitable – like breakups. Not all relationships last and that’s fine. What’s not fine may be our approach or how we handle our heartbreak. There are a few things I believe we shouldn’t do after our relationships end. Here are just a few:
1. Try mending it without God’s approval!
I cannot emphasize this enough! PLEASE DO NOT RUN BACK TO THE PERSON GOD FREED YOU FROM BECAUSE OF BOREDOM OR LONELINESS. There will be days when the enemy will remind you of the “good memories”, but not remind you that it was a bad relationship. Did you seek God or are you just going to go back and assume God will approve once you’re married? Is God in the relationship or are you just desiring to have that companionship again?
There are times when God will lead you back to someone, but we shouldn’t go back just because we don’t want to be alone. When you turn back to something God freed you from, its simply telling Him that you know what’s best for you. That you know what you need more than He does. That we don’t expect Him to exceed our prayers and expectations as the scriptures say (Ephesians 3:20). Not waiting on God’s timing simply means we have it all figured out. However, we don’t. We never will. That’s why we need God to be with us every day of our lives.
In Matthew 7, Jesus is preaching sermon that still rings loud today. He tells the listeners that when they ask, seek and knock, that they will receive, find and see opened doors. Then He proceeds to say that even our earthly fathers will give us what we need and not something that’ll harm us. So Jesus showed us, if our regular parents can give us what we need, and we are sinful, then how much more could our Father meet the needs of His children? Never doubt God’s plan. Pray for God’s direction because He will answer. Pray for His will because He sees what we want, but He knows what we need.
“As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.” (Proverbs 26:11 NLT)
2. Keep looking at old pictures and messages!
I have people come to me very often asking for tips on how to get over an ex. Sadly, the majority of them spend their time viewing the old text message threads or reminiscing over their pictures together. How can God heal you when you won’t allow Him? Continually looking at the old pictures is like picking at a cut while it’s trying to heal. We slow the process down when we keep looking backwards instead of moving on.
Studies show that PTSD can be triggered by looking at old images. Being an active duty service member, I know this to be true. I didn’t have a crazy war experience, but I have pictures from deployment that pull me right back. I forget some people exist at times, but the moment I see a picture – I hear their voice, remember what country we were in, how they made me feel, the music I heard that day, etc. I understand many of us had relationships with great people, but how do we expect to move on from a relationship if we keep reliving those memories? It will hurt, but you may have to delete some pictures and messages.
“A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;” (Ecclesiastes 3:6)
3. Vent on social media!
This should go without saying, but apparently some people need to be reminded that social media isn’t a place to vent. It isn’t wise and it can cause more harm than good. Social media is a place to be social, so you have every right to do whatever you choose. However, don’t be shocked when people mock your pain or are always in your business. Social media invites people into your personal life, so please use discretion whenever you’re on the Internet.
You want to know where you need to vent? At an altar in prayer! God can heal you, not what social media thinks. God can restore you, not “likes” from random people. God cares about you more than you know! Fishing for attention from people who really don’t care will cause us to look immature and carnal. Prayer isn’t a backup plan for the believer. Prayer is what we should do constantly, especially when hurting.
“Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back.” (Proverbs 29:11 NLT)
4. Slander their character
People like to think that once they dislike someone, that means God has to dislike them. When in reality, the Bible says we shouldn’t even celebrate the downfall of others (see Proverbs 24:17-18).
If someone breaks your heart, you don’t have to call them every name in the book other than “a child of God”. You don’t feel better when you curse people out, it just makes you more bitter. You don’t heal when you attack people! We are the body of Christ, if that person is a believer, you’re actually attacking the body of Christ! You’re harming your walk with God when you attack His children. Let that sink in! In Galatians 5:15, Paul informs us that if we keep verbally attacking one another we will eventually start to destroy each other.
Be free from that bitterness!! Forgive! Maybe they were the problem, or maybe it was you despite you being in denial, but you don’t have to be bitter and slander their name or character. It’s time to forgive, heal and move forward.
“Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;” (Matthew 5:43-44)
5. Question your worth!
A breakup doesn’t mean you have no worth or can’t be loved. Maybe you caused multiple breakups and you have character flaws that you must work on for a healthy relationship. That still does not mean you have no value. In Christ, we are loved, accepted, forgiven and beautiful. We don’t need someone else’s validation to show us who we are! Jesus Christ has already done that!
I’ve seen some people get to the point of harming themselves after breakups, but it should never be that way. That shows that they allowed that person to become their god. When you idolize people, they have the power to break your confidence, self esteem, purpose, etc. Learn to worship only Jesus and put your trust in Him because He won’t fail us even when people do. If your breakup is causing you depression or suicidal thoughts, please do not suffer in silence!! Reach out to your parents, spiritual leadership and spiritual friends. Get the godly counseling you may need and take care of yourself. Your worth and purpose could never be attached to who left.
“I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.” (Psalms 139:14)
6. Leave the church!
People are not God! If a believer hurt you, that doesn’t mean you have to turn away from God or the people of God altogether! People are flawed, but don’t hold that against God.
In order to grow spiritually, you must surround yourself with likeminded believers. Hebrews warns us against abandoning the house of God because we should be coming together to encourage and build up one another (Hebrews 10:25). I know this isn’t popular, and maybe you’ll say this is just my opinion, but it’s not possible to make it to Heaven and not like the church. If we can’t get along down here, how will we get along in Heaven? If we hold grudges with people here, do you think God is going to kick them out of Heaven to make you happy? Never leave the church because of a failed relationship. Never abandon your godly friends because they warned you against that person often and you don’t want to hear it. Don’t allow your walk with God to suffer because of what “people” did.
“Then said Jesus unto the twelve, Will ye also go away? Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life.” (John 6:67-68)
There are tons of things that I have missed, but I believe we surely have to keep these 6 things in mind if we ever experience a breakup. Do you have anymore suggestions that can help someone? Comment below and help someone who may be in this current situation.
Grace and peace,