“We were supposed to be friends.”
“S/he betrayed me. I hate how they just up and left me like that.”
“He’s supposed to be a man of God, so why did he run after another woman like that?”
“She made me think she was a godly woman, but she just left me for another guy. I don’t get it.”
I get frustrated messages all of the time about people who recently broke up with someone. Not only did they experience a breakup, but sometimes they were left for someone else. I try to hear them out every time, because they are genuinely hurting. Sometimes, it is clear as day that they dodged a bullet and God was the one protecting them from going any further in that relationship. Sometimes, God allows it to end in a rough way, and I believe that can be the only way for some people to actually move on. Is it God’s will for His children to be hurt and heartbroken? Not at all. But sometimes we never hear God’s voice until we experience pain and certain things in our lives are removed (see Isaiah 6:1). But I’m a firm believer that God gives us free-will, and we choose to entertain the wrong people too often.
So let’s get into this topic really fast with five points I want you to understand:
1. No one can “steal” your man/woman.
Okay I know Trey Songz likes to call himself “Mr. Steal Yo Girl”, but he needs to go sit down somewhere. No one can steal your man or woman away. Why?
- They do not belong to you, they belong to Christ. There is no ownership at all over them, even when you two are married. The circumstances are a little different in marriage, yes, but you do not own anyone.
- If someone can take them away, their heart was never fully committed to you.
- What God has for you, is for you.
I think we get so hung up on the heartbreak that we are just trying to find someone to blame. But the bible clearly shows us that God is able to bless everyone, so He would not send something He has planned for you to someone else. God’s will for your life is not attached to those who left you. The heartbreak always feels devastating because what we planned fell through. However, you will find peace and restoration in the presence of God if you focus on Him, instead of on the hurt (see Isaiah 26:3).
For the Lord God is a sun and shield: the Lord will give grace and glory: no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly. (Psalms 84:11)
2. Their actions doesn’t define your worth.
It’s so easy for us to look on ourselves and start saying how ugly, boring, foolish or weird we are. Am I even funny? Was she faking this entire time? Was he only after my body? The list can go on, but that list has to be stopped. You need to find your worth in Jesus and what He did on the cross, not in a relationship. Which is why I so often tell people to find their worth in Christ before dating, because that will prevent you from idolizing them. When you know who you are in Christ, you won’t have to compete for anyone’s love or affection. You will know that you are loved because you are perfect in God’s image and who He has for you will be blessed to have you in their lives.
Please understand this, they had a choice. Even if you pushed them away with nagging, disrespect or any other annoying behavior. Am I saying they should stay and tolerate nonsense? Not at all, but the mature and godly thing to do is to talk about it, try to get through it and end the relationship if they don’t like how you are acting. If they cheated, that was their choice, not your fault. If they left, that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love. If they mistreated you, that doesn’t mean someone else will never respect and cherish you. Their loss! Learn from the hurt instead of being consumed by it. Jesus still loves you and has great plans for you.
But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light: (1 Peter 2:9)
3. Stop hating the person that they turned to.
Probably the hardest point to talk about, because it is a natural instinct to call them a “home-wrecker” and say how evil they are.
“Ewwww. This boy downgraded with that ugly girl.”
“HA! Her new man is so whack, forget them both.”
“They could never find a better replacement! They both can go to H.. for all I care.”
Don’t sit and pretend this doesn’t happen, even in the church. Some people are genuinely harboring hatred in their hearts, but I know God wants to heal you from that. And I know He will if you let Him. I mean really, why be mad? If they would cheat on you with them, they will cheat on them with someone else. If someone will boast about “stealing your wo/man”, then that is a clear sign of an insecurity they have. Pray for them. Whether they were aware of them being in a relationship or not, the bible says to love and to do good to those who mistreat you. Please do not allow hatred to consume you, overcome evil will love.
But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; (Matthew 5:44)
4. Some people were never committed to you, you thought they were.
This is a sad reality many of us have to understand. You thought they cheated, but in reality they were never dating you. Maybe you were dating them, but they never showed you they wanted to be exclusive, faithful to you or God, and they may have went along with it due to the benefits. I mean really, you post about them day and night, yet they don’t talk about you. Or they tell you keep it a “secret”. Every relationship should be private, but if they want to keep you a secret, it is clear that their intentions aren’t to commit. We have to stop trying to pressure people into relationships with us. If you have to force it, it is not the will of God. When God brings you two together, then it will flow.
Some people aren’t committed to you, they are committed to what they can get from you. Many of you are in lustful relationships, but you stay because you believe that is the only way to receive love. The moment you would be brave enough to say “ no” and tell you them want to take your walk with God seriously, they will leave. They never loved you, they loved the access you gave to your body, finances, gifts, etc. If you ever told some of the people you were dating that you are tired of the relationship being lukewarm, you’d see some of them would leave. They aren’t committed to God; they are just trying to get you minus Christ. So how can they commit to you and not your God? You have to make your standards clear and express exactly what it is that you expect from the relationship. If Christ and marriage isn’t the goal, do not waste your time.
Can two walk together, except they be agreed? (Amos 3:3)
5. It may hurt, but God can never bring His will while we still entertain the person He didn’t send.
There are times in our lives when we try to ignore God’s warning signs because we want the relationship to work. They continually cheat, abuse, belittle, and pull you away from Jesus, but we don’t want to let go because we are afraid to start over. It’s okay to admit that you were wrong. Staying outside of God’s will just because you have invested a lot of time, money, energy or plans into them does not help bring you peace or love. It would be foolish to think an ungodly relationship would have eventually become godly if you were with someone that doesn’t try to grow with you.
Please understand that sometimes God calls us to places that exclude the people we want to keep on the journey. Elevation can require separation from people and habits, but it is always worth it to get what God has for you. Seasonal people do not deserve permanent positions in your life just because you have a few good memories. Learn to let go when you know God is telling you to let go.
Then Abraham said to his young men, “Stay here with the donkey; I and the boy will go over there and worship and come again to you.” (Genesis 22:5 ESV)
I pray this will help someone who is currently experiencing this. I pray for the married couples currently going through this, because I know it is harder for you. We also have a blog with 3 tips to get over an ex, please read that here.
Grace and peace.